It's time to put down some thoughts...

I feel the need to write today.

I haven't felt like writing for a long time.  

I've been BUSY....I mean super busy....I mean so busy that at times I can't believe how busy I am.

It's hard to write when you are busy.

When I am busy I tend to complain, and when I write when I am busy I post more complaints than anything at that shouldn't happen.

So no complaining...just commenting.

I've enjoyed the fall...with the exception of getting sick.

See I lost my voice...a major part of who I am is my voice.  I talk a lot being a teacher, I also sing a lot and I was unable to do that.  It was rough.

It was also good I think.

I'll tell you why...I had to listen more.

I had to stand and understand that it's okay to be quiet.

It's hard to be quiet...it's hard to not speak when you like to talk.

But it's good, its necessary and it's revealing.

I'm trying to be quiet more...to listen, to think, to be okay with the stillness.

So I'm trying to adapt, to change and to be quieter...it's hard, I'm a loud person but I think it will be good!

Fail

I did it again.  I fell into my bad habits and became that person I don't really like...

FAIL

I snapped, I screamed, I got really mean....

FAIL

I'm frustrated easily, I'm angry for no reason...

FAIL

I'm trying again to do it all in my strength...

FAIL

I hate failing, I hate being this angry person who is not happy at home.  I'm happy outside of my house, or at least I put up a brave front.  I hate feeling like I am not good enough.

I struggle with little things...like keeping a clean house.  I have a super hard time with this.  I am just not good at it.  Add in 4 more people and I feel like I'm drowning sometimes.  I don't know how other mom's do it.  I don't know how some people ALWAYS have a clean house...I can't seem to do it.  The piles and crumbs must multiple faster at my house than at other peoples houses!

I read people's blogs and I know often one only puts on the blog the good and happy but I see the corners of houses and they don't look like mine and I think...how come I can't do that!  What is wrong with me.  It's like the airbrushing they do on magazine ads...I know it's not perfect and I know that they have struggles that I may not have but still I wonder.

I think if they can do it why can't I?  What is wrong with me?  Why is this such a struggle?  WHY?  WHY??  WHY????

That's the true root of it for me the..Why?  Why am I dwelling on the negative rather than the positive?  Why is the glass half empty instead of half full?  Why is the discouragement of life bringing me down?  Why am I seeing only the bad instead of the good?  Where is the contentment that I should have instead of the I want's and the gimmies (which I honestly hate coming from others)?

I think it all comes back to contentment.  Why am I not content with what I have been given?  Why am I resentful of the gifts that I have been given?  Why am I angry at the place I am in instead of overflowing with gratitude for all the things I have?   

It's simple and hard to answer this question...the WHY of it all is this ugly thing at the root....SELFISHNESS.

I'm SELFISH...scary thought huh..admitting to yourself that you are something like this.  It's true, the more I think about it, this is the root of some of my issues.

I'm selfish of my sleep...so I get angry when I am woken up...even if it's too a very sweet little boy who only wants to hug and snuggle with his mama.

I'm selfish of my time...I would much rather read a book or watch some TV than clean something.

I'm selfish of my food...I only want to cook and eat what I want.  I then want the kitchen to clean itself so I don't have to do...I want what I want!

I'm selfish.  Deep down I think that I am better or more worthy because my focus is on the SELF.  

How bout you?  Are you struggling with the Selfishness that is imbred in all humanity...that thinking that we are better than others and that our wants and desires should be at the forefront?  

I'm struggling with it...but I have named it...often when I name the issue it makes it easier to conquer it.  It's still a struggle but hopefully I can work on making this problem, these struggles begin to go away.   

It goes back to Overcoming and Moving Forward.  

I took 2 steps backward today and I Failed.  Boo...but I will continue and work on moving again AHEAD...embracing Today...and being a more content and happy individual.

Trying to Deal

I'm trying to deal with my feelings toward my family.

I'm tired and yet I don't get to nap...others' nap but not me...so I am trying to be encouraging towards the ones sleeping and not be bitter.

I get hungry but I am the only one who really makes food for people...unless other's bring a home cooked meal I have to suck it up and cook something if I want to eat!  It isn't fair but it is life and I am grateful to have food to prepare and eat.

I'm trying to be understanding and kind but I want to be selfish and make others take care of me...and I can't force them to do that and so I am trying to deal with it all...this too shall pass and life will get easier again.  I do feel better than I did even a few days ago and I will continue to feel better so this too shall pass and I will learn how to deal with it all.

The Waiting Game

We are playing the waiting game right now.

Baby could come at anytime.  Or Baby could wait until later...and since we don't know what day it will be it's challenging right now to wait.

I'm having contractions daily...some are really big and painful and regular but then they stop.  I don't want to be a wimp and go to the doctor to early but I am getting frustrated at the same time.

When I was pregnant with Janea I didn't know what to expect and my water broke first.

With Jaron I went into labor earlier than planned and while surprised I had a feeling he was coming.

This baby...I'm clueless...I think he's coming and then I am like nope...I don't know...and since the big kids were early at 37 (Jaron) weeks and 38 (Janea) weeks I have never gone to my due date so I am like..okay here I am same time as the other two...you can come!  He isn't listening very well so far.   I tell him it's okay to come, Daddy has told him, Jaron has told him, Janea won't talk to my stomach but she has even said it outloud...we are ready for him to come.

So we wait...and wait...and wait...

I HATE WAITING!

Ufff da

Uff da...Dan has been trying to get used to the time change happening over the weekend by getting up an hour earlier every morning.

Uff Da....I'm not sleeping much anymore and last night I didn't fall into a good sleep until after 2 in the morning...

Uff Da...Dan needed his work clothes and they were still in the basement...so he woke me up earlier than I wanted but fortunately and hour and a half after his alarm went off...and I had told him it was okay....just thought I would sleep more.

Uff da...got his clothes and then helped him make his lunch and saw him on his way...now I am getting the kiddos ready for school and then I am going to TAKE A NAP!!!!

Uff da...pregnancy and sleep just aren't happening for me!

Grrr...Updated

I want Mexican food REALLY BAD!

It's not in the budget.

I don't want to cook dinner tonight...

Going out is not in the budget!

We have plenty of food in the house and most of it is not hard to make but I don't want to cook and I don't want to clean up the kitchen and I just want to be lazy.

But it not in the Budget!!!!

Budgeting stinks!

****THIS IS ALSO A BIT OF A PREGNANCY FRUSTRATION****

So I had a major pity party. I cried and then I cooked dinner. Dan was willing to take me out to make me feel better but I know that if I did that I wouldn't feel better it would be a Bandaid fix. So I made Basil Parmesean chicken with pasta...and it was good. Wasn't completely what I wanted but it was tasty, filling and so far hasn't given me heartburn.

Budgeting may stink but so does making huge mistakes with your money. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow through this whole thing and not let my hormones and other pregnancy related frustrations get the better of me!

Things that make me go UGGH!

1. Children who procrastinate on their schoolwork even though you ask, and ask and check and ask, and ask...Janea put off finishing her technology project until the night before it was due and then had a panic attack. She worked for 2 hours past bedtime and is finishing this morning...now I am helping her edit and type it. So I went to bed really late and got up really early!

2. Programs that have unrealistic requirements and don't specify the guidelines.(more on this later)

3. Early mornings and being out of Cran-apple juice....I'm addicted right now to Cran-apple juice and this morning I am drinking Cran-grape juice and it's not the same...

4. Chilly mornings and cold feet...maybe I should go put on socks!

5. Random statements by people who are actually not talking to you but to the computer, the television or the radio.

Disappointing

Well, I got notice that at least one of my options is no longer an option. Got an email stating that one application was no longer active.

2 more still out with that school district.

2 more I have no way of tracking.

I'm feeling bummed.

*Gasping*

I'm overwhelmed today.

I'm feeling frustrated and sad.

I'm ANGRY and hurt and irritated and dissappointed and I feel like a human pinball machine with my emotions bouncing all over the place.

The reality of planning for the upcoming school year is feeling daunting right now. I'm an educator and there really aren't any jobs in education right now. School districts are not hiring and the positions available are being pursued by multiple candidates. My school is being closed, not because we wanted it to close but because others don't want the "hassle" of sharing space with us. They feel we "hinder" their ministries and therefore we must go...not viewing what we do as a vital ministry. At the same time, we just didn't have enough time to find a space of our own and so now I am looking for work again. It seems like every 2 years I'm on the job hunt again.

I'm also feeling frustrated with things at home. My messiness is not easily conquered. I have BAD habits and I struggle with fixing them right now. I also am struggling with responding properly to what I feel is misplaced criticism from people in my life. I know it's bad, and I am trying to rectify it and I do better with PRAISE rather than critique. I feel like the good is not focused on only the remainder that needs to be done. I can't fix this overnight and I am trying and working at it but its hard for me...really hard. I'm not a natural Stay at Home Mom...I'm not. I'm easily distracted and unfocused...I need lists and charts and yet I am overwhelmed by the length of them...I need a MAID....yeah that would fix it...no it wouldn't...I need to get into better habits. I need to train my children better too...it's a team effort not just a Me effort, but getting them to work is a challenge.

Well, I'm off to clean my Bedroom...I have to get it better so that Dan and I can rearrange our furniture when he goes on day shift next week.

A No Win Situation

Well, I received word and I am officially unemployed. The building for my school fell through and the church we have been sharing space with wants us out of the building by July 2nd. That being said, I have a closet full of stuff that I was hoping would be moved to the new space before school starts. Now that we don't have a space I have to clean it all out.

2 rubbermaids and a milk crate later I have about 1/2 of my stuff cleaned out. I went today and picked up lot of my stuff. I didn't take the kids since I am more productive when they are not with me. Bad thing is Dan is sleeping during the day and he is working lots of extra hours due to shifting his position in a few weeks and his vacation time which we are taking next week. I guess they were a little loud...so I'm not productive when they go with me and they are too loud when they stay home and now I feel like a bad mother and wife and I am feeling frustrated.

AAAAUUUUGGHHH...It's definitely a NO WIN situation that I am facing.

Feelings...

I'm feeling a lot of emotions right now.

I'm upset, and disappointed in myself.

I'm blessed with Great kids.

I'm blessed with loving parents.

I'm blessed in so many ways.

I'm trying to count my blessings and be content.

It's hard.

I'm needing prayers right now.

The Irritation of It all

I'm frustrated tonight...I think it's PMS.

I'm sure the whole world needs to hear that but frankly I don't care...I HAVE PMS. I'm crabby, irritable, and all I want to do is eat chocolate under the covers and read a good book and have all the stress in my life go away!

That isn't going to happen. I'm the mom, Dan's at work and the kids would either kill each other or burn the house down if I was to retreat into my own little world. Mom's can't retreat, it's not an option. So instead of retreating, I am doing other things. I worked out for 30 minutes and I boxed for 18 of those. It's calming to hit something even if it's just a virtual punching bag. I'll fix the kiddos food and then we all ill clean up the living room, work on homework and get ready for bed.

I'm also going to go to bed early tonight. I think I didn't get enough sleep last night and that is causing me to be more cranky. I'm hoping that this little girl problem I'm having will be temporary and I can relax for another month.

There are day's when I really want to hurt EVE...that's all I'm saying.

I need a HUG!

I had a rough day today.

I'm stressed and tired and ready to just throw in the towel.

I'm feeling overwhelmed by a situation where there is no solution. Everything we try is simply like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound and hoping it all gets better. Doesn't really work.

I don't like feeling like this

I want answers and strategies and things that will make my classroom run smoother and bring me a little bit of peace.

I also need a naptime option since naptime is becoming passe...that said...I ...

Really just need a HUG...preferably from my husband, but he is at work right now so that will have to wait.

Things that make me go UUUUGHHH!

1. co workers who are hyper sensitive and fly off the deep end when they just need to chill, relax and think about the situation.

2. children who cry and cry and cry when they are in trouble, as if crying loud will make the time out faster.

3. the way my students can whine my name so that it's 5 syllables Mrs. Jonathan, comes out MIIIISSSUUUSSSSS JJJOOONNNNAAATTHHAAANNN! and they don't just say it once its repeated over and over and over until I am ready to SCREAM!

4. the theme song music to Super Mario Bros Wii...it's annoying when listened too over and over and over.

5. taking a shower and then realizing all the Clean towels are in the dryer and not the cabinet~!

6. cold weather, no sunshine, and snow that is just there....it's like living in a snow globe...

I've been trying to focus on God today and just live in Peace with my creator...but oh it's like things are hitting me on all sides today...I'm ready for bed...not heading there yet but I am so ready!

Cry? Laugh? Scream?

I need an emotional release.

I'm feeling frustrated, tired, a little bit sick, tired, confused, hurt, tired, preplexed, annoyed, tired, happy, sad, and tired...I mentioned tired right?

Life is hitting me with both barrels right now. Especially the work side. Being a working mom is tough. I have to balance life, the kids, my school kids, projects, dinner and all kinds of other stuff. So here's a look down the barrels...

SICKNESS: Jaron got sick this week. Up in the middle of the night puking sick. My kids really don't get sick often and I am so grateful for this. They are generally healthy but every now and then sickness strikes. So Tuesday late night was spent caring for my puking boy and washing bedding. This accounts for the tired. I need at least 6 hours a night to feel good. Anything less than 5 and I start really feeling messed up. I can function but things get thrown out of whack. I did go to work and make it through on about 3-4 hours of sleep...makes for a very long day. Last night I slept good but as the morning today went on I really started going downhill and now I am battling the chills, wishing for my bed and praying for a quicker Friday.

WORK: There are changes happening at work. We have an overabundance of younger aged children and not quite as many Pre-Kindergarteners, while we have 2 Pre-kindergarten classes and one Preschool class. My boss came up with a solution and has had me working with her to make it happen and figure it all out. So now we are going to have a larger pre-K class(my class) and I will have an assistant to help keep me in ratio, and the other class will have a few Pre-K kids and the older Preschoolers who are Pre-K age but not going to Kindergarten next year. It's going to be an upper level transition room. My co-teacher in Pre-K will have this class...well, she isn't taking the change with grace and dignity and now I am walking around work feeling like I have a target on my back or I am invisible. It's an uncomfortable feeling, one I am not used to and I don't feel like it is deserved. It's frustrating, I just want to teach and have a well run school and the pressure this is putting on me, on top of not feeling good is overwhelming to me. It's like living in a pressure cooker.

So in the mist of this staring into the barrels of the temptation to just throw in the towel and break I am going to be thankful for these things:

• my kids are healthy, Jaron is feeling better and we all can sleep.
• my classroom is going well, I have a new student starting Monday and my God will help me to meet the needs of the students whether they started with me or are transitioning back into the room.
• my boss is super supportive and sees my point of view and knows that I am not instigating nor trying to make the situation any harder than it needs to be
• I got to chat with a dear friend half way around the world this morning!
• tomorrow is Friday and then I will have 2 days to recharge my batteries and get to feeling better, a chair, book, hotchocolate, hot tea and a dinner out may be in order.
• I was able to leave work early to take care of my son and got to get some love from my man that helped since I really felt like I needed a hug.

Fat

I'm feeling fat right now.

I'm not fat, but I am feeling it.

I have to figure out what is causing this bloated yuck feeling.

It's driving me crazy.

I really don't like it AT ALL.

I need more FIBER....I need more Fruits and Vegetables...I need something...

Any ideas or suggestions???

The Parenting War

Have you ever felt like every parenting moment is a battle?

That the little crabby not cooperative person is going to make you absolutely insane?

Have you ever honestly considered sticking them in a box and shipping them off to another family member somewhere far from you?

Today was full of battles...both literal and figurative.

Jaron decided that he was going to be selfish and crazy.

He was uncooperative and threw a fit for over an hour over stuff.

We are working on not being greedy.

We are working on giving as well as getting.

We are fighting alot...so far the parents are winning...but there were moments today.

Moments that I felt like giving in and saying "fine...okay:"

We persevered...we conquered...we made it through

I'm ready for bed!

Struggles

I am struggling with my attitude toward a student. He is struggling and acting out and that is making me not want to be his teacher...I don't like this feeling and so I am struggling.

I am struggling with juggling all the balls that are my life right now and I find that I am dropping more of them all the time...I don't like this feeling and so I am struggling.

I am struggling with the fact that I am who I am and sometimes I am not as kind and considerate as I should be and I hurt people who are in my life...I don't like doing that and so I am struggling.

I am struggling with knowing the best things to do, the right timing of things and seeking God's will for choices and decisions that need to be made. I am struggling with the fact that my timing and my husband's timing for things is different and my contentness isn't always his contentness and I am called to be a help to my husband but I feel like a hindrance and so I am struggling.

"Lord, please take my struggles and turn them into things that are beautiful for you. May I be the wife, mother and teacher that I should be. May my life bring beauty and joy to others. May I have the forgiveness of those I have wronged and know the proper way to humbly ask for forgiveness. Make me more than who I am but turn me into someone who is a reflection of Jesus.."

I give up

Men, I just don't always understand them.

I am having a Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus kind of day.

I LOVE my husband with all my heart but there are times I just don't get him.

I give up...God understands him....God tells me to love him....God created me to be his helpmate and I will help him....but I don't think I will ever COMPLETELY Understand him.

Monday's Bite

Just when I am all relaxed and happy it happens. Monday comes to bite ya! This was that morning. I got up later than I planned after having not slept really well and jump in the shower! A hot shower later, I am up checking the weather to make sure that I wear temperature appropriate clothes and dress the kids to not be cold and Dan is playing the Wii still. He has a game that is a challenge and spent most of the night on it. So I am kinda half rushing half not yet. Go to dry my hair and it's not cooperating...give up completely, just hope it dries okay. Make the kiddos lunches, get them dressed, give last minute instructions, go to get my keys...they are not where I thought they were...and I can't find them. Dan just isn't a help when I misplace my keys, and it really does make me mad at times especially when I am rushing around worried I am going to be late. He gives me his spare keys(no house key) I rush out to the car only to realize I forgot my sweater...pounding on the door later to get in to grab my sweater! Not the best mindset to be in when leaving for work.

A long day today, out of sorts a lot, not as together as I would like to be! I did find my keys when I got home. Janea had left them on the couch and they had slipped to the side of a cushion, they are ready for tomorrow morning, in the key holder and life will be better. Tomorrow is another day and I for one am happy to shut the door on August and welcome in September! So here's to a September and the start of Fall!