31 days and Counting

Can you believe that January is over?

I can't, I mean this month has flown by.  Tomorrow is the first day of February and so it's time to evaluate my goals.

Some questions that I have asked myself today, as I thought about what I should write. 

Have I made progress?  Yes,

I feel that I am making good progress on where my focus needs to be.  I need to live in the moment, to chose to look on the positive and not get caught up in the wrongness of things.  I need to embrace life and not get bogged down or obsessed when I am not doing the right thing.

Am I still in the same place?  No,

When the new year started I was in a low place.  I'm moving up the mountain, I'm not at the top by any means and I slip down from time to time but I'm emotionally feeling better, I'm also not as tired.  The toddler is sleeping much better and that is helping in so many ways!  

I've also experienced some good changes at work this month.  I am back to working 40 hours a week(38.5 after breaks)  and a new classroom.  So far, it seems to be a good fit and I am having fun bringing things in the classroom and trying to play dynamic lessons...I will have to blog about the stressful year I had at the beginning and how this is much better but this is not the time or place...

What do I still need to work on?

Everything!

I haven't mastered any of it yet.  It's very easy for me to slip back into the pettiness of it all, to that place where I don't like who I am.  That selfish state of being and wanting everything to go my way and to be magically fixed.

What is my goal for the upcoming month?

Love.

Love is my goal for February...I think it is fitting with Valentines Day and all.  

I want my family to feel and understand that I love them for who they are, not what they do for me.  I need to be an example of love to my husband and the kids.  I need to appreciate them and show them love.

Sometimes I am not the most loving and I need to work on this.  To love without condition, without strings attached.  To show love and be loved in return, to have a selfless love the way God loves me.  Love is important and it is my goal for the upcoming month.

How about you friends? 

Has January been an uplifting month?

Have you made progress on your goals?

Please feel free to comment or encourage as we endeavor to make 2013 a great year!

It's a Beautiful Day

It was near 70 degrees today here!

 It was windy, warm and gorgeous!

 It was perfect park weather!

The Big Kids, the Toddler and I all went to park this afternoon!  We had a lot of fun sliding down slides, climbing steps, swinging and going through tunnels!  So thankful for this wonderful day!

Future Cities Competition

We had our first taste of crazy competition timing. For something other than sports...we don't do sports.

The firstborn was here, on a field trip for STAR for school.  She has been working on this project for several weeks with her class at school.  They have to design a city, build a model, create essays and papers, and then present it for judging.

I think this is great, it builds teamwork, critical thinking skills, a lot of thinking outside the box, hands on learning.  Janea has had to work in a group(something she is not good at), deal with stresses that she has no control over, and be content with things not being as perfect as she envisions them in her head!  I'm happy that she is able to work on these projects and do this type of learning...she needs it.

The only downside, it's at K-State, a 2-3 hour drive away from where we live, and the competition starts at 8:30 with check in at 7:30....so they had to leave at an obscenely early hour, 4:30 am. The firstborn is not a morning person but she got up, the husband was very gracious and took her this morning so I could sleep longer.  

They just got back and while she didn't win, she had a good time.  Glad she gets these opportunities to grow and learn!

The Unexpected You Didn't Know You Needed

Ever had that moment when you can't believe something has happened?  

Totally unexpected and scary?  

That moment when you say...no this is wrong, this can't be happening.

I've had them...2 really stand out for me...and those are the moments when I found out I was having my first and third child.

I'm "Miss I Gotta Plan" at least that's what the Husband calls me.  See, when we met I had a plan and marriage and children weren't in them...I mean I wanted to get married and I wanted kids just not till further down the road.

Well, I met Dan, and within a year we were married.  It was fine, this could work with my plan...no big deal, right?  We talked kids but thought after 3 or 4 years of marriage...good plan right...no, not the plan God had for us, we were pregnant in 3 months...yes I said months, and Janea was born 18 days of our first anniversary.

She was unexpected...especially since I didn't know gender and I was convinced she was a boy...but she was needed.

God knew I needed a daughter.  He knew I needed that person who would push my buttons, who would challenge me to stay on my toes as her mother.  He knew I needed a daughter so I could see what type of child I was for my parents, He knew I needed her to help make me humbler.  I needed Janea, I didn't know it at the time but I did and I do and I am thankful for her.

Fast forward nearly 10 years.  I like to say I don't make long term plans, just short term ones...but I thought I was done having kids.  I had my girl, Janea,  I had my boy, Jaron, and I was approaching a great point in motherhood, it had gotten easier again.  The kids were very self-sufficient, behaved well in public, and we had fun hanging out with them.  It was a great place to be...I was job hunting again due to a school closing and I was just tired....thought it was stress then realized something...

Yup, pregnant!  I couldn't believe it...why now?  Why?  I was devastated and frustrated.  I couldn't believe this was happening.  

Pregnancy is a lot harder in your 30's than in your 20's!  I was overwhelmed, stressed and unsure of what was going to happen.  But here came Jayden...

I'm still trying to figure him out.  I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I have 3 kids and one of them is a toddler!  It's challenging.  But I know that God never gives us something we don't need or something that He doesn't have a plan for.  I just don't know what the plan is...I don't know why he decided to bless us with another little person.  I just need to raise him to know God.

I won't lie, motherhood is hard and tough and sometimes I want to throw in the towel and move to Tahiti!  Especially on long nights with sick kids or kids who are not sleeping.     I'm still trying to figure out how to be the best mom to all my kids....it's a challenge.

I've been working on my attitude and embracing fun things with my kids...

Some new joys with Jayden include:
watching Yo Gabba Gabba with him
giggles and hugs and tickles and him asking for more!
Asking about his day at school and having him respond more and more.
Seeing him enjoy and interact with his toys and siblings!

Some fun with the big kids include:
Nerf gun wars,
Big kid movies and books
Long conversations about important things.
Having them help more around the house without me nagging them!

It's all about knowing that even though things are unexpected, the One who sends them to you is never, ever surprised!

You might have a toddler

...if your living room is filled with crumbs and toys...you might have a toddler.

...if you have to go around a big wheel to get into the kitchen....you might have a toddler.

...if you can make up verses to songs so that you aren't singing the same thing all the time...you might have a toddler.

...if you put 2 socks on one foot just so you can get the kid out of the house....you might have a toddler.

...if you know the difference between one syllable words that all sound like MOK....you might have a toddler.

...if you don't need to look down to read your child's favorite book...you might have a toddler.

...if you have brought a child into your bed and then moved to their bed because they are kicking you out of your bed...you might have a toddler.

...if you deliberately send him into his brother or sisters room so you can have a moments peace and quiet...you might have a toddler.

...if you do a happy dance at naptime...you might have a toddler.

...if the warning label says "might cause drowsiness" and you are disappointed when it doesn't work...you might have a toddler.

...if you look forward to going out to the grocery store with your husband without the kids...you might have a toddler.

...if you get as wet as your child during bathtime...you might have a toddler.

...if a sick day constitutes taking a nap during naptime but you also change diapers, fix lunches, and allow the kid to watch TV...you might have a toddler.

...if you get nervous when their is no noise and you go to investigate and find this.... 
You definitely have a toddler!

Comfortable

Just because something is comfortable doesn't mean its attractive or right.

I'm not a hug fan of this show but Stacy London and Clinton Kelly bash peoples arguments that wearing what you find comfortable doesn't mean that you are always presenting your best side.  

When things get uncomfortable or you get pulled away from the comfort of it all you are more likely to make a change...either for the positive or the negative.    

My life is sometimes comfortable and sometimes not comfortable.

I'm very comfortable with who I am outside my house.

At work I am defined by my job, a teacher.  The children in my room love me, I plan fun lessons and enjoy teaching little people new things.  I know I have a start time, a finish time and I do my best to be the best I can be.  It's as easy as that...I'm comfortable.

I'm not always as comfortable at home.

At home, I feel like I have to be everything to everybody, I have to be able to see everything that is going on, fix every problem, change everything that needs to be done.  It a big role and I feel like I don't do it great every time.  When this happens I begin to feel like a failure.

I let my weakness be what I focus on...not who I am or what I do right.

I get comfortable with being discontent.  I feel uncomfortable by my weakness and I then I get stressed out by my life.

I need to work on being content with my weakness, to not be defined by my failures or shortcoming but to embrace what I do well.

Today I conquered life by:

• breaking my chores into manageable pieces and relishing in the victory of something getting accomplished!
• saw my sister, got to appreciate the skill with which she has been gifted in painting and art and now have loveliness to see on my walls.
• cooking a meal I enjoy eating and savoring the flavors of the food and knowing that my family enjoys it as well!

It's been a good day full of ups and downs and twists and turns but I didn't let myself get comfortable with falling into my old habits!  And for that I am thankful!

My job as Mom....

I have the job of mom...and I have it over 2 very different ranges both with their joys and frustrations.

I have the job of raising soon to be teenagers...of balancing calendars and poking my nose in to their business and following them online.  Of making sure they are being responsible, it's my job to make sure they can make some meals, wash their clothes when dirty and pick up after themselves.  It's my job to listen to their woes, encourage their discouragements and desires, to nurture them into being self reliant. 

 In many ways they make this easy.  

They can tell me if they are hungry, tired, what they want to eat.  They don't need me to take them potty or make sure that they put their socks on their feet the right way.  They sleep through the night and often go to bed without me telling them too.  It's easy in may ways.  It's like the promised land of parenting.  They can entertain themselves and if its quiet it doesn't turn on my alert memo, it may be that they are playing a game on the DS, reading a book or finding something to do that doesn't make noise...like building with tools or other things.  I also know that I can trust them. They have proven this to me and are proving it on a regular basis.

Then I have my other job as Mom...only here I'm known as MAMA.  

The toddler....I forgot how much work one little person can be.  He cannot entertain himself for longer than 5 minutes and if he is quiet and I can't see him he can often be found drawing on a wall, pulling every single wipe out of the package or every tissue out of the box.  He also enjoys unrolling toilet paper and seeing what can be flushed...gotta remember to keep that door closed.  He is demanding yet doesn't have all the words to tell me what he wants or needs.  If he doesn't get his way he cries or whines and is trying to figure out what is going on.  

He can't dress himself, he wears diapers, and prefers to run around naked!  He has no inhibitions yet!  His favorite word is NO!  He loves to laugh, cry and still doesn't sleep consistently through the night...he is in one word....exhausting!  I love him but WOW!  

It's hard to have toddlers and soon to be teenagers.  Don't get me wrong I love my kids and I wouldn't trade them for anything but being a mom is hard work, being a mom to multiple ages is crazy!  

Fail

I did it again.  I fell into my bad habits and became that person I don't really like...

FAIL

I snapped, I screamed, I got really mean....

FAIL

I'm frustrated easily, I'm angry for no reason...

FAIL

I'm trying again to do it all in my strength...

FAIL

I hate failing, I hate being this angry person who is not happy at home.  I'm happy outside of my house, or at least I put up a brave front.  I hate feeling like I am not good enough.

I struggle with little things...like keeping a clean house.  I have a super hard time with this.  I am just not good at it.  Add in 4 more people and I feel like I'm drowning sometimes.  I don't know how other mom's do it.  I don't know how some people ALWAYS have a clean house...I can't seem to do it.  The piles and crumbs must multiple faster at my house than at other peoples houses!

I read people's blogs and I know often one only puts on the blog the good and happy but I see the corners of houses and they don't look like mine and I think...how come I can't do that!  What is wrong with me.  It's like the airbrushing they do on magazine ads...I know it's not perfect and I know that they have struggles that I may not have but still I wonder.

I think if they can do it why can't I?  What is wrong with me?  Why is this such a struggle?  WHY?  WHY??  WHY????

That's the true root of it for me the..Why?  Why am I dwelling on the negative rather than the positive?  Why is the glass half empty instead of half full?  Why is the discouragement of life bringing me down?  Why am I seeing only the bad instead of the good?  Where is the contentment that I should have instead of the I want's and the gimmies (which I honestly hate coming from others)?

I think it all comes back to contentment.  Why am I not content with what I have been given?  Why am I resentful of the gifts that I have been given?  Why am I angry at the place I am in instead of overflowing with gratitude for all the things I have?   

It's simple and hard to answer this question...the WHY of it all is this ugly thing at the root....SELFISHNESS.

I'm SELFISH...scary thought huh..admitting to yourself that you are something like this.  It's true, the more I think about it, this is the root of some of my issues.

I'm selfish of my sleep...so I get angry when I am woken up...even if it's too a very sweet little boy who only wants to hug and snuggle with his mama.

I'm selfish of my time...I would much rather read a book or watch some TV than clean something.

I'm selfish of my food...I only want to cook and eat what I want.  I then want the kitchen to clean itself so I don't have to do...I want what I want!

I'm selfish.  Deep down I think that I am better or more worthy because my focus is on the SELF.  

How bout you?  Are you struggling with the Selfishness that is imbred in all humanity...that thinking that we are better than others and that our wants and desires should be at the forefront?  

I'm struggling with it...but I have named it...often when I name the issue it makes it easier to conquer it.  It's still a struggle but hopefully I can work on making this problem, these struggles begin to go away.   

It goes back to Overcoming and Moving Forward.  

I took 2 steps backward today and I Failed.  Boo...but I will continue and work on moving again AHEAD...embracing Today...and being a more content and happy individual.

The Art of a Deal

I'm working on having the big kids help more around the house. 

I'm offering not only to pay them but also I'm negotiating with them.  That really is working for the 10 year old...I mean, he is setting tables with me not even having to ask right now...I'm hoping this lasts!

I'm offering trades...one of the chores they don't like for something that I do...an even exchange as it were.  

The firstborn hates....I mean HATES....to load and unload the dishwasher...I don't get it...I used to wash all the dishes by HAND...she has it easy peasy lemon squeezy compared to my time.  I don't mind that...but I hate doing other things...so I have offered her a trade.  She picks one of my chores and does it willingly in exchange for me not having her load and unload the dishwasher!  

I'm hoping it works...she is still thinking about her trade item.  We will see what happens.  If this works I may negotiate for other items.  

I want them to help but I am tired of nagging them...hopefully this will make it easier for everyone.

Toddler Tales: Car Seat Napper

Today's tale is a cautionary tale for the unsuspecting parent!  Please learn a lesson from my misadventure with a car seat napper!

It was a cold winter Wednesday night, the first night back at AWANA for the big kids.  The parents were tired from working all day and decided a date night was a good idea...after all the kids are occupied we could go to dinner...then we remembered we have a toddler...oh well, he can just go with us.  HA...mistake number one!

We took the kids to church and then we went to Chipotle... mm...yummy in  a burrito bowl with lime chips on the side.  The toddler did pretty well, and the restaurant was pretty empty since it was a Wednesday night so we survived the dinner portion of the evening!  Yeah us!  Then we looked at the clock...only 7:10 pm we still have an hour before we need to pick the big kids up...what do we do now?  Well, the husband had received Kohl's cash back from a recent gift card excursion for work clothes and he had graciously determined that I could use it so we decided since we're out lets go to Kohl's and see what I could find.  Mistake number two!

We get to Kohl s and get the toddler situated in one of those stroller carts.  The husband and toddler start walking around and I check out the ladies department to see if I can find something I like for the price I needed.  I find a purple v neck shirt that will work well for work and I lament at not having more to spend but know I need to stay on budget.   But I still have left over money and with Kohl's cash there is no change and I want to use all of it if possible!  The husband mentions that there are some frames on clearance so I go check them out!  

I am looking at frames and by this point the toddler is well being a toddler.  He doesn't want to sit in the stroller anymore he wants to PUSH the stroller.  And he doesn't do it well.  The husband gets stressed out by situations like this and I am still trying to shop!  A disaster is looming...but hooray!  I find a frame for 3 dollars that has a J on it and would go with our decor!  We head to check out...we try to trick the toddler into thinking he is pushing but anytime we touch the cart he screams...a meltdown is imminent...either from the toddler or the husband.  We get to check out.. the husband and toddler put the cart back and I go pay...score one for me only $1.08 out of pocket!  Wahoo!  I love not spending much!  The toddler is now full on cranky, tired and wanting his own way.  It takes an additional 5 minutes to leave the store but we finally make it to the car...and drive away taking the long way trying to kill more time...you guessed it...mistake number three!

Driving around causes the toddler to fall asleep in the car.  Now smart parents would head home and put him to bed...we didn't do that...we went and waited at church and then the lesson went over so by the time everyone is in the car and heading home the toddler has had a 30 minute nap in the car and is raring to go and play not go to bed.  

11:30 I FINALLY get him to his bed and fast asleep!  I'm beyond tired at this point and just praying he sleeps well...which he does and let me tell you 5:55 when the alarm goes off is much to early when you are used to going to bed around 9:30 or 10 and you don't get to bed till closer to midnight...so parents don't make our same mistakes, stick to your bedtime nighttime routines and don't let your toddler nap at night in the car!

Conquering Today

It's all about the Today of it all.

That's what I am working for and working on.  The enjoyment of Today!

Today is...

now

here

real

present

achievable

conceivable

doable

necessary

So I am conquering Today.

In little ways, with small changes, finding peace in the decisions I make and the responsibilities that I face.

Ways I have conquered today:

Joy...put a smile on and embrace happy.  Find things that you can smile about even though you want to scream, pout, or cry!  

Sing a Silly Song...if something isn't working, sing a song about it and it might change.  It doesn't have to be a pretty song or make sense sometimes singing just makes it all better!

Dance  if you hear a beat, feel a rhythm do a little dance...I have the worst dance moves but it can be a stress relief and make it all better!

Take a deep breathe....like I say to my students..."Smell the popcorn, blow out the candle"  in other words "in through the nose, out through the mouth!"

Put on your big girl panties and just deal...sometimes you just can't fix it...oh well, don't let it absorb you!

So I let today happen, I smiled, I laughed I enjoyed.  And it was good.  I also gave some random high fives and tried to be an encouragement rather than a downer.

So today was good.  And I liked it.

I cooked food I enjoyed for dinner from no recipe and it wasn't bad, and I have leftover rice for lunch.

I took a break at work and read a book in a comfy chair and enjoyed a small snack.  An easy 15 minute recharge.

I stopped sweating the small stuff and just took responsibility and made notes for the future.  And it will be okay.

I'm getting ready to end the day and I am feeling pretty good.  I like that!  

Thanks be to God for a good day!

Grumpy

I feel like Grumpy today.  I'm grouchy and I want to be disagreeable and angry.  However I am trying to follow through on my goals and not be grumbling and disputing.  But I really  want to be, I want things my way...I want stuff to go the way I want.  So this is how I am trying to change my thinking about my irritations....and I will be working on this all day, because I really don't want to be doing it.

1.  I'm tired...Jayden was up a lot last night and needing extra snuggles.  Instead of whining about this I will try to take a nap this afternoon and be grateful that my little boy still wants and needs me.  Plus, he is still recovering from his surgery and probably was in pain  and I know this is a temporary deal...hopefully when he is all recovered he will sleep through the night again.

2.  I couldn't find what I was looking for easily...Dan and Janea are off getting hair cuts this morning and we were sent a coupon in the mail in December.  I couldn't find it...until the last minute but I did find it!  So instead of grumbling, I need to refine my system and not make piles...piles are where things get lost, I need to have a place for everything and everything in it's place.

3.  A tornado has blown through my house...again.  I can't seem to keep this place clean.  It's a never ending battle and I'm just not good at it.  Well, instead of complaining I will get the kids to help me and try to figure out how to  eliminate the problems...like the cups of pens that Jayden seems to spill constantly and the never ending battle with packaging...maybe I need to make more food from scratch.  I'm grateful that I can work on the house while I do laundry today at home since my dryer is fixed that's one less battle!

That's a little bit of where I am this morning, hopefully things will improve as the day goes on...but I definitely need an attitude adjustment this morning.

Toddler Tales: Tubes in, Noid's Out!

I've decided to add some new segments to the blog.  I really enjoy stories from other mom's and I thought that I would add some of the fun that we have with the Toddler...thus I birthed the idea of Toddler Tales. 

However today's tale will not be a funny tale but a record of a medical procedure.

It was dark outside...my early morning alarm clock on my phone started buzzing and I thought to myself..."why is this going off so early, then I remembered...we have to be at the hospital by 6:30 so I better get up"...20 minutes later I finally actually get up.  I'm tired, I haven't slept well at all, I've been rather keyed up knowing that tomorrow is a big day for the Toddler...he's getting Tubes put in and having his adenoids taken out.  I finally fell into a deep sleep after 3 and then the alarm went off at 5:00!  

I get up, get dressed, and find that Jayden is already awake. An hour earlier than normal, he must realize that something is going on today.  So we go on our ritual morning adventure of making sure everyone is still home...they are, the only other one up is Dan, and he is getting ready for work.  I've make lunches for the big kids and put them on the kitchen table, remind everyone of what needs to be done before school and made sure the big kids are awake and then I leave with Jayden, we are off to Grandma's to pick her up before we head to Harrisonville and the hospital.

I pick up my mom at 6:10 and we head south.  The 20 minute drive to Harrisonville seems longer than normal in the dark, it's pitch black and I'm tired, Jayden is happy in the back seat and isn't aware of what will be happening in a little over an hour.  It's nice to have company of another adult, Dan and I had decided to have him work today and me tomorrow, and we would take turns and today is my turn. I know he is worried but we are trusting and praying that everything will be okay. I'm very grateful my mom is with me and the conversation is keeping me  distracted.

We pull into the hospital parking lot at 6:30, it's really empty, there are not alot of people at the hospital yet.  We get our stuff out of the car and walk into the building.  A man behind the front desk says, "Tubes surgery?"  We reply, "yes".  He then comments on he figured since the only time little ones come in so early is usually on Thursday's(this is the day that the ENT does surgery) and today is Thursday so we must be here to get tubes in Jayden's ears.  

We are escorted to the surgery section and check in, it doesn't take long and I had made sure to have our ID and cards very easily accessible.  Mom and Jayden look at a book while we wait, we have our choice of seats in the waiting room, as we are the first ones.  We wait maybe 5 minutes and then we are escorted back to the prep room.


It's a nice little room and the nurse who will be taking care of us is super nice.  She goes over everything with us and we make sure we know his weight and height and by this point Jayden is starting to wonder what is going on. I try and distract him with my phone on my camera

Here's a picture we took on Grandma waiting and helping to keep Jayden happy.

The other is of Jayden as he has on his gown and is getting prepped, he really didn't like the gown and by the time it was time for him to go back he had taken it off.  He ended up not wearing the gown for the surgery, just his pants and socks!  Poor baby!



By this point, we have met with the Anesthesiology doctor and nurse, Dr. Luce our ENT and met lots of nurses.  I have signed that I understand what is happening and what to expect and that I trust the doctors and nurses to provide excellent care.   I have confirmed my babies identity and my identity and we are ready for the surgery.  

The moment I have been worried about is here.   I breathe a silent prayer, kiss him on the cheek and pass him to the nurse who whisks him away to the operating room.  He is reaching for me and calling "Mama, Mama, and crying,"  It's hard to see him leave but I know he needs this procedure and I have peace.  

Mom and I head to the waiting room.   We have around 45 minutes before we will hear anything, so we head to get a drink from the cafeteria and use the restroom and then we sit and wait for the surgery to be over.  About 35 minutes later, Dr. Luce comes out and lets us know the procedure went well, he did have an infection behind his left ear and he had huge adenoids.  She lets us know he may be cranky and what to expect and that we will get to see him soon.  

Poor baby!  Groggy after surgery.

10-15 minutes go by and I go and use the restroom one more time before we go back to him.  After another 10 minutes I am a little bit anxious and then they finally let me go back to my baby.  He is awake!  Poor thing,he is groggy, disoriented and not happy at all.  He is drinking apple juice and coming around and the nurses say he is doing well.  I get to hold and snuggle him and make sure that he gets some calories in him.  We text Daddy and Grandpa and let them know he is okay. And then we finish the recovery process.

By 9:25 we are able to go home.  At 9:30 we are in the car leaving the parking lot.  In and out in 3 hours.  I take my mom home and then Jayden and I go home to hang out and feel better.  

We eat, drink and play.  Take a long afternoon nap and with the exception of get cranky and fussy faster he seems to be doing pretty well.  He'll be home a few more days and then we will go back to our normal routines of life!

It's the Little Things...

you take for granted until they don't work and then they become a big thing. 

For example a dryer.  A working dryer none the less.  My dryer stopped working abruptly a few weeks ago, I opened the door and there was a flash of green light and then all of a sudden it wouldn't start.  I got upset, I frantically called Dan as if talking to him would magically fix it, I got angry, I got frustrated...I was going to laundry by golly and this wasn't in my plan...and I had wet stuff in the washer too boot!

Well, long story short, the dryer is now working again.  It was the door switch and Dan and I were able to fix it ourselves.  We also only had to go to the laundry mat once in the meantime and I was able to stay ahead of the laundry by hanging some of it on lines in the basement.

So today I am thankful for my working dryer, I am very grateful for air dried towels that are more fluffy than line dried ones that  are very crunchy and I am happy we were able to fix it ourselves!

Re-Inventions

Wow!  Here it is 2013 and I have a new year ahead of me.

I have a blank calendar, a blank slate as it were to fill with my life.  I've been pondering this over the last few days:

What do I want this year to look like?  

What do I want to change?  

What do I NEED to change?

What will my focus for the year be?

I've been struggling recently, really struggling.  My focus has been shifted, my mood low, I'll admit it, I'm in a Valley...a deep valley, a dark valley at times.  It's been painful, and I have been not the nicest or loving person to my family.  I've been very focused on ME.  I've been very focused on the WHY ME's, "why isn't my life better, why doesn't anyone help me. why doesn't anyone take care of me".  Selfish isn't it, and yet sometimes I feel like I am justified in my thinking.  

This is my yard as the kids were building snowmen yesterday....really not pretty, this is how I've been feeling lately, really not pretty...run over as it were.

I take care of the household, I take care of the bills, I get up every night with a toddler who somehow forgot how to sleep all night 3 months ago...sometimes he's up once, sometimes he's up twice, if I am really unlucky I end up sleeping with him.  I do what feels like everything...and I'm tired.  

I'm tired.  That's the truth, I am emotionally, spiritually and physically tired.  Like I said, I'm in a low place...but I am going to be climbing the mountain.  I'm going to get out of this valley.  I'm going to change my focus.

Today is the first day of a new year and a good way to look ahead...Forward as it were....I need to put the past in the past and stop dragging it out and wallowing over it.  I can't change it, I can't, it's in the past...I can only work on TODAY.  Today is where I am...the present.  I can look ahead to the future but what I am doing TODAY is what will impact the future.  I have no perfect crystal ball that will show me what the future holds.  I'm not to worry about tomorrow, I'm not to fret about yesterday, I need to focus on TODAY!.  I need to look for the good and happy things in today.  I need to relish the small things and not get too caught up in the I wishes, the I needs, the why's of it all.  I need to be CONTENT.

I've claimed a passage of Scripture for the year.  It's going to be a tough one to follow but I believe it is a necessary one.  I took it out of my favorite book in the Bible.   I feel like this book is written for me...it's the book of Philippians.  It's a book about Joy and Rejoicing in what the Lord has done for us.  Too often I get focused on the bad and not look at the good, and it affects how people look at me and the impact I have on those around me.  I'm going to focus and work to fulfill this simple command...
  "Do all things without grumbling or disputing so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God about reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation among whom you appear as lights in the world."

Easy enough huh....hah!  I'm a champion when it comes to complaining!  I'm the queen bee as it were...but not anymore...I'm going to look at enjoying life again!

Will you join me on my journey?  Will you choose like me to put the ugly and selfish behind us and focus on the Forward Journey of Today.   Will you look for things to be happy about?  Things for which to be thankful and find meaning even in the menial, small, overlooked tasks.  

Come and join me, it may not be an easy journey but I am praying that it will be a meaningful one.

It snowed yesterday....a really pretty snow...covering the brown and dead things in the yard...a nice focus on New Years Eve.